scream into the blanket moment

I love the amnesia, we all as mothers experience, after our first child is born. Like, you forget all the post partum stuff. The rock hard boobs, the horrific cramping while breastfeeding, the never ending lochia, the newborn days. And then there is that whole first postpartum year, where your body looks weird, nothing fits right, your boobs run the show, and despite not having your period for however long, you feel it right around the corner, along with all the hormonal bitchiness. And of course, even with a baby that sleeps well, let's be honest, you're exhausted. Two kids, a husband, a house to run, laundry, cooking, cleaning, outtings, tantrums, poopy diapers and spit up.

So, I had a scream into the blanket moment this morning. Leo woke for his usual early feeding at about a quarter to five AM. We snuggled in bed, he nursed, and practically fell asleep. I moved him to his crib, where he proceeded to babble/whine for 2 hours.

Back story? We are totally stressed beyond our limits these days. Nothing seems to be falling into place, and the job market is, simply put, a fucking nightmare. I'm having visions of CVS aprons and weekend hours at a grocery store.

After two hours of the babbling/whining I get up to see if he needs a diaper and wants to nurse. When I approached the crib, I got the usual response which is this totally insane leg kicking thing he does, and a huge smile. How dare he, right?? I felt so fried in that moment, so out of control, I just didn't want him to smile at me when I felt so down. Ridiculous right? I said to him "No! I'm not happy you're awake!" in a stern voice. He cried. I picked him up, he settled, I changed him, tried to nurse him, which he was not having, and then put him in his crib and walked out. He cried for maybe half a second, and I assume has been sleeping since.

Meanwhile, I run downstairs to practically crucify myself. Spill my guts to my baby forum ladies, and sulk. I felt like shit.

I feel all hormonal, and crampy and crabby and annoyed. Frustrated by what life is throwing us. All the while trying really, really hard to believe when people say "this too shall pass" or "look at the positive things in your life" which really are quite abundant. But the negative things seem to be the same negative things that Chris and I have been dealing with our entire, short marriage.


These moments are ok, and normal, whether we remember them or not. They just feel hard, and sad in the moment. Ah well, no one claimed motherhood was easy.