the worst blogger ever is still alive

so, in sitting here and trying to think what to write, my brain auto scans the last few months. and kind of short circuits. maybe if i just do the run down of what life has been like, i can move on, and get back to writing about more interesting things!

-chris had work
-chris didn't have work
-my mom went through, and continues to go through, some scary medical shit that leaves a tiny crack in my heart that aches some days more than others.
-ryan got married and we had the best time ever at his wedding.
-jack started school at six acres and it's fabulous.
-bobby and lauren got married in VA and we had quite literally the best time ever. ever. i can't even begin to describe how much healing happened on this trip. though there will still be things that will always ache, i think chris and i learn to let go of stuff a little more each time.
-leo cut 4 teeth in two weeks. ow. and yawn.
-chris got a job.

yes, chris got a job. a real, long term, paying on top of the table, job. why do i feel like now that i've written this "out loud" it will fall out from under us. hmph. stability will feel nice, once i've grown accustomed to it.

our house is still in post vacation chaos. but jack will stay over at my mom's this weekend, and besides trying to get out for a night to a jazz club, chris and i must spend time getting the house put back together. and then i can continue on my quest to be the next june cleaver.

my two recent faves of each boy:

leo with his two new teeth



jack jammin'

Betsy The Great

When I look back, to when Chris and I were just starting out, and Jack was on the way, I'm not sure my outlook on the future of my relationships with my in-laws was bright. But I guess what they say is true, that time heals all wounds, and now almost 5 years later, I can say I'm one of the lucky few who really loves their in-laws.

So among the 10 new family members I was blessed with, I have this totally amazing sister. This is not to say that all my sisters are not amazing in their own ways, but I feel confident that they'd agree that Betsy is one of the best human beings around.

Betsy loves riding bikes, history, books, music, good food and drink, adventures, art, friends and family, and making a difference. And you look at her and realize that even if she didn't want to do all the amazing things she does, there is something IN her that drives her to them. Like, for example, when she rode in the PMC Bike Race 1 week before packing up her entire life and heading to Haiti for a year. Regardless of how much she packs in, or how exhausted she is, at the end, she always has this crazy happy smile and all these fantastic stories of really cool and wonderful people she's met. You always walk away feeling like, well shit, I could ride a 190 mile bike race!!!

And so she's in Haiti. Teaching kids and making a difference and learning about a totally different world and way of life. I am really grateful that my kids have her in their life and hope they will learn everything and anything they can from her. I'm excited she has a blog, because I love reading her writing, and sometimes she writes something that brings a little tear to my eye because it's such beauty in chaos, and it makes me miss seeing the world and it makes me wish for my kids that they can see all the corners of the earth.

Anyway, if you're ever hungry, have some Spaghetti For Breakfast.

Mr. FluffyPants

This is what we call Jack, now that we have transitioned from diapers to the Happy Heiny's Training Pants. I was so sick of buying diapers, and with Jack no where close to being night trained, I bit the bullet, and bought the pants.

After a quick hot wash cycle, they were ready to go last night. I wish I could have taken a night vision picture of the face Jack had when we put them on. The biggest grin ever. This morning when he woke up he said he loved sleeping in his plundies (he invented this word, because they are hybrid pull-up/undies) and that they felt so soft, and not papery like the diapers.

So I'm done! No more diapers! Ever! I can't even express how good it feels. It got to a point where I felt like I was buying trash.



We are starting with 3 of the trainers, just to see how that fits in with our current diaper washing schedule, and may get 2 more, just so we always have a little wiggle room. Also, they come with or without snaps on the side. For us, snaps was the better choice. Jack is an incredibly deep sleeper and, although very rare, will sometimes poop in his nighttime diaper. I figured
unsnapping the training pants would be easier than pulling
them down, and getting poop everywhere.

Also, a tip for cloth diapering moms: get a good wet bag!!!! I was suckered in by Isis Maternity! They of course only sell one kind of wet bag and it totally sucks. While visiting the diaperLab in Somerville, I mentioned my wet bag woes. When I told her what brand I was using, she shook her head, and said that they were known for retaining smell. Ugh! I got a good wetbag, and LOVE it. I'll report back on stink, but it seems lovely, and I loved the honesty I got at the diaperLab.

I made the call...

And admitted that I'm dealing with bad PPD and anxiety. There isn't much to say in this post I suppose. Only that I haven't felt like myself for weeks. And that the burden of taking everything in stride for the last 4 years is finally breaking me down.

I am not the wife I want to be.

I am not the mother I want to be.

I am not the daughter I want to be.

I am not the friend I want to be.

And if I'm brutally honest with myself, I have had these feelings, at various levels of intensity, for a lot of my life.

Every person I spoke to this morning had no tone of arrogance, or annoyance. Only caring, and loving advice, and guidance. I have an appointment set up for next week. I feel pretty relieved, I guess, that I'm at least acknowledging things. And these are all steps, forward moving steps. I never want the boys to remember me as I feel now.

And in support of World Breastfeeding Week, I found this quote on Kellymom.com. I love Dr. Hale, and swear one of these days I'll be able to afford his book. But this sums it up perfectly, for any woman holding back, or worrying that she won't be able to continue breastfeeding, you can.

"Finally, Dr. Hale concluded his talk by saying that breastfeeding should be supported fully and not interrupted by mom's needs for medication; and that treatment of postpartum depression can be accomplished relatively safely in breastfeeding mothers. So, in his consideration, moms should continue breastfeeding and should get drug treatment as needed for depression."

More on this journey next week...xo.

pancakes, pancakes!

A food post! Won't these be lovely?

I am trying to put a little spark back in my cooking life. And how fortunate I am to be friends with Sheryl Julian. I really feel that she gets what I'm asking. I will sometimes, well twice so far, have something I want to make, and will e-mail her. Asking her for the quickest, easiest, and most delicious way to prepare whatever it is I'm asking about. In return, I get an e-mail with easy to read instructions, and neither meal took more than 30 minutes to make, start to finish. I adore her.

So, I feel inspired to try and start adding a weekly recipe post. I will do my best to include one recipe a week that is easy for other moms like me, and that helps involve the kids, sometimes.

One late night with Chris, I was sucked into a show on the food network. It was all about pancakes and how to make the perfect pancake. So I e-mailed Sheryl. Feeling sick of using Bisquick, and thinking there must be a more delicious, easy option. And of course, there was!

Fannie Farmer Pancakes:

1/2 to 3/4 cup milk
2 tbsp. butter, melted
1 egg
1 c. flour
2 tsp. baking powder
2 tbsp. sugar
1/2 tsp. salt

In a bowl, combine 1/2 c. of milk, the melted butter, and egg. With a wooden spoon, stir thoroughly.

Add flour, baking powder, sugar and salt. Stir well.

If the batter seems too thick to pour, add a little more milk, 1 tbsp. at a time. It took me 3 tbsp.
of milk.

Drop small ladles of the batter into a buttered skillet. (NB: the butter makes all the difference in taste) Fry until the undersides are golden and bubbles form on the top. Turn and brown the other side.

Helpful tip: find an oven safe plate and keep your pancakes warm in the oven until you're ready to eat. I put the oven on as low as it would go, and even the very bottom pancake was still hot when we ate it. Also, if you get all the ingredients out ahead of time, it's a great recipe for kids to help with!

stink

So, in light of my latest stink issues with my diapers, I've decided I need to make a change in detergents. I'm trying to test things out, see what works. Luckily, I noticed that The Natural Baby Co. (makers of GroBaby diapers) just came out with their own laundry detergent and are allowing their Facebook fans to try it out for free. I'm really excited, as I've been pleased so far with their diaper.

I'll report back with the skinny once I get to test it!

http://www.thenaturalbabyco.com/tiny-bubbles-p-732.html

scream into the blanket moment

I love the amnesia, we all as mothers experience, after our first child is born. Like, you forget all the post partum stuff. The rock hard boobs, the horrific cramping while breastfeeding, the never ending lochia, the newborn days. And then there is that whole first postpartum year, where your body looks weird, nothing fits right, your boobs run the show, and despite not having your period for however long, you feel it right around the corner, along with all the hormonal bitchiness. And of course, even with a baby that sleeps well, let's be honest, you're exhausted. Two kids, a husband, a house to run, laundry, cooking, cleaning, outtings, tantrums, poopy diapers and spit up.

So, I had a scream into the blanket moment this morning. Leo woke for his usual early feeding at about a quarter to five AM. We snuggled in bed, he nursed, and practically fell asleep. I moved him to his crib, where he proceeded to babble/whine for 2 hours.

Back story? We are totally stressed beyond our limits these days. Nothing seems to be falling into place, and the job market is, simply put, a fucking nightmare. I'm having visions of CVS aprons and weekend hours at a grocery store.

After two hours of the babbling/whining I get up to see if he needs a diaper and wants to nurse. When I approached the crib, I got the usual response which is this totally insane leg kicking thing he does, and a huge smile. How dare he, right?? I felt so fried in that moment, so out of control, I just didn't want him to smile at me when I felt so down. Ridiculous right? I said to him "No! I'm not happy you're awake!" in a stern voice. He cried. I picked him up, he settled, I changed him, tried to nurse him, which he was not having, and then put him in his crib and walked out. He cried for maybe half a second, and I assume has been sleeping since.

Meanwhile, I run downstairs to practically crucify myself. Spill my guts to my baby forum ladies, and sulk. I felt like shit.

I feel all hormonal, and crampy and crabby and annoyed. Frustrated by what life is throwing us. All the while trying really, really hard to believe when people say "this too shall pass" or "look at the positive things in your life" which really are quite abundant. But the negative things seem to be the same negative things that Chris and I have been dealing with our entire, short marriage.


These moments are ok, and normal, whether we remember them or not. They just feel hard, and sad in the moment. Ah well, no one claimed motherhood was easy.