Baby Firefly

How do I start this? By saying that I was driving home from dropping Jack at preschool and I turned on a song from the season finale of Six Feet Under and started crying? Or do I go all the way back to September 2007? Because September 2007 is when we found out we were pregnant with our 2nd. And then 10 days later our world was totally shattered when I started bleeding. What's the worst part of miscarriage? The fact that care providers have no fucking clue how to help you through it, or losing your baby, or having people tell you it wasn't a baby because they think it will make it easier.
We were on vacation when I had the first miscarriage. Just me, Nana, and Jack while Chris was home working during the weeks. It was the most bizarre, out of body experience I've ever had. And then, 2 short months later, I was pregnant again.
I guess I can't really even begin to explain what a blur those months were. We had just moved from Quincy to Medford. Chris was working ridiculous hours for UPS, holidays were coming and I still had Jack to take care of.
No matter how hard I tried to push it out of my mind, all I could think about was getting pregnant again. I knew I might have another miscarriage, but I had to feel normal again. I had to regain some trust in my body and know that it worked. So, after taking a few months to focus on me, start acupuncture, get a damn haircut, we hopped back in the saddle and got pregnant in May 08.
What does all this have to do with driving today? Well, today, I am exactly two months away from meeting this baby. Yep. I'm huge, and have a big kicking baby inside of me and talk about being a big brother with Jack and reminisce late nights and breastfeeding with Chris. Except for one problem. I haven't actually let myself believe a baby is coming. The truth of the matter is that it doesn't matter if you get pregnant again or not, but the trust does not come back. The trust in my body that it could create a baby, sustain a baby, birth a baby. And so today I cried. And cried and cried and cried. Because what if I still lose this baby? What if something horrible happens and I have to lose this being that I love so dearly and desperately. I am writing this almost certain no one will read it, which offers me a bit of comfort. But I do secretly hope that some day a woman who has gone through the loss of a pregnancy stumbles upon this and knows she's not alone.

Meters, tickets and quarters, oh my!

Well, Mr. Incredible, though his incredibility has been in question, spent a good portion of yesterday paying parking tickets. I can't even bring myself to post the total amount of $$ spent on his tardiness, because if I see it in writing, I might pass out or run away.

In light of today's, and the ongoing, ticket fiasco, I gleefully loaded my car with quarters before driving with an expired license (thank you Jack for playing with my wallet, otherwise I never would have known) to brookline. usually i take storrow to 93, but that mostly just ends up annoying me for one reason or another and i always vow "next time!" i'll go by way of alewife. today, i remembered. ahhhh, a nice pleasant and less congested route to brookline. *highlight, far fewer blocks littered with bu students who can't read walk/don't walk signs* i drive to coolidge corner with minimal hassle and have an overall good feeling about my trip. pass the cake store where i'm meeting mom, take a right, ooooh look at this, some guy is getting in his car. wow, what a great spot. look to the right, see any meters? yup. great! he backs up and drives away (with his NY license plate) and i pull in. i triumphantly toss 2.5 hours worth of quarters in the meter at 4:15. meters turn off at 6, but again, i wanted to be safe and i had sooooo many quarters. i grab jack and we go. after a dramatic trip to the cake store, stop for pizza, hit the playground and wrap it up with an ice cream cone. we take a lovely stroll to the car in the nice breeze and i load jack up. my mom walks off to her car to get beer for the party tomorrow. as i walk around the car i notice something on the windshield. surely someone must have left a flyer, for all the quarters it couldn't be a ticket. i grab it. it's a ticket. i look at the time the ticket was written. 4:45. WHAT! i walk over to the meter which, at 7, still has time in it. And that's when i realized it. i had mistaken a meter in the opposing parking lot, for the meter for my spot. which was actually, not in fact, a spot.

$25.

the wasted quarters.

they should give pregnant women handicap stickers.

Boy Wonder does Pre-School

How was it?

"I had snack, and I peed on my knee, and I cried and cried and cried, and I read books, and I forgot to point my penis down and we had circle time."

Do they have potties at Pre-School?

"A blue one and a yellow one!"

"I even missed my mommy and daddy while I was at Pre-School"

So, some pee on his knee and a few tears shed, not bad for a first day.

Remember the cold mornings?

Waking up this morning was certainly strange. The crisp air, the frantic way in which we were getting ready. What was so different about this morning? Well, it was a school morning of course. SCHOOL??? It's true. Jack turned 3 this weekend, and so today embarked on his next big adventure, Pre-School.
He woke up, totally excited and remembering what we have been telling him for the past few days, today is his first day of his birthday! No sweetie, your birthday already happened. Oh yea, first day of Pre-School! He picked out his own outfit, which of course included his robot sweater and waited anxiously as I packed his back pack. "Can I put it on NOW mommy?" Just a minute..."Is it ready NOW??" And then we were out the door. His little back pack, seeming to take up about half of his whole body.
When we got there, he followed the brick walkway to the school which is located inside a beautiful house, on a beautiful street, in beautiful Cambridge. Not bad. He walked right in and seemed amazed. A school. With kids! And he was off, I mean really, that was it. A few minutes later he did a pee-pee wiggle and we explored the bathroom. The coolest part being the tiny sinks and painted walls with polka dots and stars.
"Do you want Mommy and Daddy to leave?"
"Yea"
Kisses, and then we were off. He didn't even watch us leave. Isn't it strange? My heart feels like it's broken into a million pieces and I can't tell if it's because it exploded with pride, or because my baby grew up. A little of both. And mostly I can't wait to pick him up and hear all about his first day.
I just hope he doesn't poop in his pants!

Kicking things off

Well, now seems like as good a time as any to get this thing started. Chris starts his training program on September 9, and Jack starts preschool on September 3. The baby is due in January, and between now and then, we have to figure out how to become a family of 4. When this baby was conceived, times were much simpler.

Chris had a great job, and I was enjoying my time at home with Jack. The last few months have been pretty up-side down for us. Starting off with Chris losing his incredible job. So, we've joined the ranks of the unemployed. Receiving help from the very incredible in-laws, and my parents. While trying not to feel 2ft. tall doing all this, we're also preparing to take charge of another life, joining us "when the snow falls" as Jack reminds me.

So, we're currently just trying to keep our heads on straight. Trying to see through all the current bullshit, into the future when we won't be so poor, we won't be so dependent, and we'll still have the wonderful family we're building right now.

Amazingly enough, after spending the last 4 months straight at home with Chris and Jack, we don't want to kill each other. Love is grand.