the worst blogger ever is still alive

so, in sitting here and trying to think what to write, my brain auto scans the last few months. and kind of short circuits. maybe if i just do the run down of what life has been like, i can move on, and get back to writing about more interesting things!

-chris had work
-chris didn't have work
-my mom went through, and continues to go through, some scary medical shit that leaves a tiny crack in my heart that aches some days more than others.
-ryan got married and we had the best time ever at his wedding.
-jack started school at six acres and it's fabulous.
-bobby and lauren got married in VA and we had quite literally the best time ever. ever. i can't even begin to describe how much healing happened on this trip. though there will still be things that will always ache, i think chris and i learn to let go of stuff a little more each time.
-leo cut 4 teeth in two weeks. ow. and yawn.
-chris got a job.

yes, chris got a job. a real, long term, paying on top of the table, job. why do i feel like now that i've written this "out loud" it will fall out from under us. hmph. stability will feel nice, once i've grown accustomed to it.

our house is still in post vacation chaos. but jack will stay over at my mom's this weekend, and besides trying to get out for a night to a jazz club, chris and i must spend time getting the house put back together. and then i can continue on my quest to be the next june cleaver.

my two recent faves of each boy:

leo with his two new teeth



jack jammin'

Betsy The Great

When I look back, to when Chris and I were just starting out, and Jack was on the way, I'm not sure my outlook on the future of my relationships with my in-laws was bright. But I guess what they say is true, that time heals all wounds, and now almost 5 years later, I can say I'm one of the lucky few who really loves their in-laws.

So among the 10 new family members I was blessed with, I have this totally amazing sister. This is not to say that all my sisters are not amazing in their own ways, but I feel confident that they'd agree that Betsy is one of the best human beings around.

Betsy loves riding bikes, history, books, music, good food and drink, adventures, art, friends and family, and making a difference. And you look at her and realize that even if she didn't want to do all the amazing things she does, there is something IN her that drives her to them. Like, for example, when she rode in the PMC Bike Race 1 week before packing up her entire life and heading to Haiti for a year. Regardless of how much she packs in, or how exhausted she is, at the end, she always has this crazy happy smile and all these fantastic stories of really cool and wonderful people she's met. You always walk away feeling like, well shit, I could ride a 190 mile bike race!!!

And so she's in Haiti. Teaching kids and making a difference and learning about a totally different world and way of life. I am really grateful that my kids have her in their life and hope they will learn everything and anything they can from her. I'm excited she has a blog, because I love reading her writing, and sometimes she writes something that brings a little tear to my eye because it's such beauty in chaos, and it makes me miss seeing the world and it makes me wish for my kids that they can see all the corners of the earth.

Anyway, if you're ever hungry, have some Spaghetti For Breakfast.

Mr. FluffyPants

This is what we call Jack, now that we have transitioned from diapers to the Happy Heiny's Training Pants. I was so sick of buying diapers, and with Jack no where close to being night trained, I bit the bullet, and bought the pants.

After a quick hot wash cycle, they were ready to go last night. I wish I could have taken a night vision picture of the face Jack had when we put them on. The biggest grin ever. This morning when he woke up he said he loved sleeping in his plundies (he invented this word, because they are hybrid pull-up/undies) and that they felt so soft, and not papery like the diapers.

So I'm done! No more diapers! Ever! I can't even express how good it feels. It got to a point where I felt like I was buying trash.



We are starting with 3 of the trainers, just to see how that fits in with our current diaper washing schedule, and may get 2 more, just so we always have a little wiggle room. Also, they come with or without snaps on the side. For us, snaps was the better choice. Jack is an incredibly deep sleeper and, although very rare, will sometimes poop in his nighttime diaper. I figured
unsnapping the training pants would be easier than pulling
them down, and getting poop everywhere.

Also, a tip for cloth diapering moms: get a good wet bag!!!! I was suckered in by Isis Maternity! They of course only sell one kind of wet bag and it totally sucks. While visiting the diaperLab in Somerville, I mentioned my wet bag woes. When I told her what brand I was using, she shook her head, and said that they were known for retaining smell. Ugh! I got a good wetbag, and LOVE it. I'll report back on stink, but it seems lovely, and I loved the honesty I got at the diaperLab.

I made the call...

And admitted that I'm dealing with bad PPD and anxiety. There isn't much to say in this post I suppose. Only that I haven't felt like myself for weeks. And that the burden of taking everything in stride for the last 4 years is finally breaking me down.

I am not the wife I want to be.

I am not the mother I want to be.

I am not the daughter I want to be.

I am not the friend I want to be.

And if I'm brutally honest with myself, I have had these feelings, at various levels of intensity, for a lot of my life.

Every person I spoke to this morning had no tone of arrogance, or annoyance. Only caring, and loving advice, and guidance. I have an appointment set up for next week. I feel pretty relieved, I guess, that I'm at least acknowledging things. And these are all steps, forward moving steps. I never want the boys to remember me as I feel now.

And in support of World Breastfeeding Week, I found this quote on Kellymom.com. I love Dr. Hale, and swear one of these days I'll be able to afford his book. But this sums it up perfectly, for any woman holding back, or worrying that she won't be able to continue breastfeeding, you can.

"Finally, Dr. Hale concluded his talk by saying that breastfeeding should be supported fully and not interrupted by mom's needs for medication; and that treatment of postpartum depression can be accomplished relatively safely in breastfeeding mothers. So, in his consideration, moms should continue breastfeeding and should get drug treatment as needed for depression."

More on this journey next week...xo.

pancakes, pancakes!

A food post! Won't these be lovely?

I am trying to put a little spark back in my cooking life. And how fortunate I am to be friends with Sheryl Julian. I really feel that she gets what I'm asking. I will sometimes, well twice so far, have something I want to make, and will e-mail her. Asking her for the quickest, easiest, and most delicious way to prepare whatever it is I'm asking about. In return, I get an e-mail with easy to read instructions, and neither meal took more than 30 minutes to make, start to finish. I adore her.

So, I feel inspired to try and start adding a weekly recipe post. I will do my best to include one recipe a week that is easy for other moms like me, and that helps involve the kids, sometimes.

One late night with Chris, I was sucked into a show on the food network. It was all about pancakes and how to make the perfect pancake. So I e-mailed Sheryl. Feeling sick of using Bisquick, and thinking there must be a more delicious, easy option. And of course, there was!

Fannie Farmer Pancakes:

1/2 to 3/4 cup milk
2 tbsp. butter, melted
1 egg
1 c. flour
2 tsp. baking powder
2 tbsp. sugar
1/2 tsp. salt

In a bowl, combine 1/2 c. of milk, the melted butter, and egg. With a wooden spoon, stir thoroughly.

Add flour, baking powder, sugar and salt. Stir well.

If the batter seems too thick to pour, add a little more milk, 1 tbsp. at a time. It took me 3 tbsp.
of milk.

Drop small ladles of the batter into a buttered skillet. (NB: the butter makes all the difference in taste) Fry until the undersides are golden and bubbles form on the top. Turn and brown the other side.

Helpful tip: find an oven safe plate and keep your pancakes warm in the oven until you're ready to eat. I put the oven on as low as it would go, and even the very bottom pancake was still hot when we ate it. Also, if you get all the ingredients out ahead of time, it's a great recipe for kids to help with!

stink

So, in light of my latest stink issues with my diapers, I've decided I need to make a change in detergents. I'm trying to test things out, see what works. Luckily, I noticed that The Natural Baby Co. (makers of GroBaby diapers) just came out with their own laundry detergent and are allowing their Facebook fans to try it out for free. I'm really excited, as I've been pleased so far with their diaper.

I'll report back with the skinny once I get to test it!

http://www.thenaturalbabyco.com/tiny-bubbles-p-732.html

scream into the blanket moment

I love the amnesia, we all as mothers experience, after our first child is born. Like, you forget all the post partum stuff. The rock hard boobs, the horrific cramping while breastfeeding, the never ending lochia, the newborn days. And then there is that whole first postpartum year, where your body looks weird, nothing fits right, your boobs run the show, and despite not having your period for however long, you feel it right around the corner, along with all the hormonal bitchiness. And of course, even with a baby that sleeps well, let's be honest, you're exhausted. Two kids, a husband, a house to run, laundry, cooking, cleaning, outtings, tantrums, poopy diapers and spit up.

So, I had a scream into the blanket moment this morning. Leo woke for his usual early feeding at about a quarter to five AM. We snuggled in bed, he nursed, and practically fell asleep. I moved him to his crib, where he proceeded to babble/whine for 2 hours.

Back story? We are totally stressed beyond our limits these days. Nothing seems to be falling into place, and the job market is, simply put, a fucking nightmare. I'm having visions of CVS aprons and weekend hours at a grocery store.

After two hours of the babbling/whining I get up to see if he needs a diaper and wants to nurse. When I approached the crib, I got the usual response which is this totally insane leg kicking thing he does, and a huge smile. How dare he, right?? I felt so fried in that moment, so out of control, I just didn't want him to smile at me when I felt so down. Ridiculous right? I said to him "No! I'm not happy you're awake!" in a stern voice. He cried. I picked him up, he settled, I changed him, tried to nurse him, which he was not having, and then put him in his crib and walked out. He cried for maybe half a second, and I assume has been sleeping since.

Meanwhile, I run downstairs to practically crucify myself. Spill my guts to my baby forum ladies, and sulk. I felt like shit.

I feel all hormonal, and crampy and crabby and annoyed. Frustrated by what life is throwing us. All the while trying really, really hard to believe when people say "this too shall pass" or "look at the positive things in your life" which really are quite abundant. But the negative things seem to be the same negative things that Chris and I have been dealing with our entire, short marriage.


These moments are ok, and normal, whether we remember them or not. They just feel hard, and sad in the moment. Ah well, no one claimed motherhood was easy.

Pie oh Mine

Ok, so that's the name of Tony Soprano's horse. But I literally can not think, or utter, the word pie, without thinking of that horse. So this slice's for you Pie.

Why all the talk about pie? Well, I got a very random invitation, from a very dear friend, who needed help baking some blueberry pies. Sheryl Julian, who can sometimes be caught blogging about food , was doing a piece all about using different fats in pie crusts. This was a far more detailed look at pie making than I ever thought I'd get. And also much harder than I thought! Baking 5 pies in 4 hours proved to be a challenge, and I'll admit, I thought I was going to get my red card when I almost drowned the Blueberry Crostada.

We started by making all the different doughs. One was made with lard, one with oil, one with butter and shortening, and one with Crisco. The crostada, which doesn't count as a pie, was made with all butter, and one egg. The crust that was made with oil, also had cinnamon in the blueberry filling. The rest of the fillings had blueberries (frozen and fresh), lemon juice, instant tapioca, a pinch of salt and butter.



It was so fun to work with Sheryl in her element. When I had asked her the night before what the job would entail, she said I would essentially be like a surgeon's assistant, and she was right. Everything in the kitchen is meticulous. Everything has it's own place and purpose. Except that you find yourself in this incredibly warm and inviting home. A far cry from the cold, sterile operating room.

I stayed for a bit of the photo shoot was interesting in it's own right. The photographer was sweet, I didn't even mind washing dishes with a nice breeze coming in through the window, overlooking Sheryl's beautiful garden. And after my one bite of the crostada, I walked back out into the gloom and rain, daydreaming of nothing but pie. Thankfully, the tasting was the following day.


All 4 of us went to the globe, Chris was home, and Jack was excited to see Nana, and everyone was excited to see Jack and Leo. And the pie discussion was interesting and delicious. Hopefully I'll be lucky enough to partake in some further adventures in food.

And in the spirit of Father's

Dad's get involved!

One of things I love most about my husband is that he totally and completely shares my passion for birth. Most times, when he hears of a c-section, he will relay back to me that it seemed unnecessary, too many interventions, more support was needed, etc. I'm so impressed that he is able to think this way. And to not cower to doctors and allow them to scare him.

Our first birth experience, with Jack, was really dramatically different from Leo's birth. Chris and I were both young and endured throughout my entire labor and delivery, jokes about how we looked like children, and how it was so funny to see two children have a baby. You can't understand how demoralizing this can be while in the process of birth. But it was Chris, with the help of our doula, that made sure none of that noise made it into my space. Quiet whispers, soaking wet in the shower with me, only allowing me to hear over and over how much I was loved and how proud he was.

For how strong I am, and how passionate I am in regards to birth, when it is me in that room, I look to him. I read his face for reactions to what doctor's or midwives or nurses say. I trust him to take care of me, to speak for me, to allow me to totally melt into my own rhythm and not worry about the outside world.

It's actually quite sad, how many fathers I see on those pathetic shows like A Baby Story, who wilt the moment the doctor utters that the woman is not following their schedule. Not laboring fast enough, dilating efficiently, and they just sit there. Nod their heads. And a quiet, timid, this is what's best hunny, I guess, if the doctor says so.

Perhaps I should send Chris out into the world to teach other fathers.


I have two pictures that might be my favorites of Chris in regards to the births of our sons. One is from Jack's birth. I am laying on the table on my back, and Jack is crowning. Chris is up by my head with the biggest smile I have ever seen. He says he was laughing because he was so in awe of me, my abilities, and that he was there to witness it. The other picture is after Leo was born, the moment I scooped him up into my arms. Chris has his arms wrapped around the both of us, tears in his eyes. A birth, he says, more beautiful and perfect than he ever could have imagined. Now who would want to miss out on that??

What the hell happened??

If anyone is curious as to where I've been, let me tell you.

My husband has rejoined the ranks of the working man. Jack wasted no time in telling me that it was strange that Daddy was not there to make him lunch after school, or around in the morning to wipe his ass. I kid you not. I endured a good 20 minute tantrum concerning the fact that it seemed unacceptable that Jack was stuck with me, wiping his ass. May I please add this to the list of shining moments in parenthood?

But in all seriousness, Chris is done with school. He finished on June 3, with amazing grades, and glowing reviews from all his teachers. Unfortunately, with a poor track record, I had little faith in Chris' ability to find a job, which is admittedly sad. One day I stumbled upon a piece of paper, 8x11, that had been folded into a square in his pocket. It was filled with the names of electrical companies. When I inquired about the piece of paper, he said he was carrying it around to remind himself of all the places he had sent his resume/called/attempted to contact. Holy shit, was my husband actually doing all this without any nagging? As it turns out, one of my internet friends happens to have a dad who owns an electrical supply warehouse down on the cape. Long story short, it connected Chris to a job. And we don't even care that he has to work practically in RI.

And just when we thought things could not get any better, a solar company that Chris sent his resume to called him for an interview. The results of said interview, which by the way went better than Chris could have dreamed, are still pending.

This puts me back at full time mom of two. Something I actually hadn't had to do on my own since Leo was born. Wow, it's hard. On my list of things to survive motherhood of two is a coffee maker.

As exciting as all this is, it's hard to make the emotional switch from "constant worry, anxiety and fear" to "cautiously optimistic and, dare I say, happy" I looked at Chris the other day and just said "wow, you're an electrician, I mean, forever" it only took him 25 years to discover something that he likes to do that requires little to no nagging from anyone.

And if not here, then where? I need to be selfish. And say that I feel I've gotten lost in the shuffle a bit. Yes, Chris made a tremendous come-back from the shit storm that was UPS, but I suppose I wish more credit was noted for my constant support, stand by your man shit. Anyone who knows Chris knows that he's pretty much the sweetest, kindest guy you'll ever come across, but to get him to do almost anything, is sometimes comparable to pulling teeth out one's own head.

Alas, we're at the finish line, or I suppose the starting line. Now that Chris is more or less situated in his own profession, I hope it can be time for me to focus more on my own professional life.

And hey, it's not so bad that my husband comes home all sexy and dirty like some big strong construction dude, right?? You better watch out, because when we have our own house, we are going to have killer lighting, perfect for every mood.

Yes, I read The Royal Gazette of Bermuda...so?!

I love finding articles that help explain exactly what a doula is. This makes me want to move to Bermuda!

Doulas Make a Difference

Do you have a Mizuko?

I was just e-mailing with a friend, and the subject of miscarriage came up. I remembered, vaguely, an article my sister had pointed me towards after my first loss. This article really touched me so deeply, and I remember reading it through teary eyes.

In digging through my e-mail, I was able to find it again. Both my boys have changed my life in ways I never thought possible, or necessary. I really and truly think Leo was guided to me. This is a strange feeling for someone like myself, who doesn't believe in much outside of this bizarre planet.

Again, in hopes that some other woman, heartbroken, may find comfort, or solace, in this article.

Peggy Orenstein article

And now, a special announcement

My personal feelings, as a woman and a doula, are that every woman should absolutely be the one who is making the decisions when it comes to how they birth their child. I do not feel that they should be intimidated by doctors who use big words as scare tactics to achieve their own agenda, which on any given day may include getting home in time to go golfing.

I'm realistic in my practice, and know that not every woman wants to have the amazing medication free water birth that I had. I know that not every woman wants to experience the pain of childbirth, or the exhileration of natural birth. Some women want epidurals and that's ok, some women don't want to try for a V-BAC, and that's ok, some women don't want a homebirth, or to breastfeed, or to go to a birth center, and all of these choices are ok. What I do not think is ok, is that women are being forced into situations that they don't feel comfortable with. It's not ok to lead a woman to distrust her body. And so it is imperitive that we give the choice back to the mother.

This means making all choices viable. Including homebirth. If you have birthed with a midwife, or birthed in a setting other than the typical hospital/OB scenario, your voice is strong and valuable. Take the time to write your story here. Maternity care is an important part of health care reform, and it needs help, your help.

*steps off soap box, tips hat to Maria Dolorico*

My green mission presses onward

I am pretty determined to be as green as I possibly can. When I was at the Partner's Conference, Maria mentioned in passing that she uses cloth wipes. I admit for a moment I thought she was totally insane. Ok, fine, more than a moment. But then another friend of mine mentioned it too. And one night, as I was changing Leo, I put the wipe in the diaper. It hit me, the extra step I always have to take to throw out the wipes, which is especially disgusting if they're covered in shit and it smears all over my trash can. How much easier it would be if I could just put the wipe in the diaper, and throw it all in the laundry.

My goal is to purchase as few things as possible that just eventually end up back in the trash.

So, I went to Fabric Corner and got 2 yards of fabric. At first, I wasn't sure if that would be enough, but as I started cutting them, I realize I will never have to buy wipes again!

I started using the 8x4 size, but I think will use the 8x8 size. By the time I get the wipes sewn together and cut off the extra on the sides, the wipes ended up being pretty narrow. Definitely still usable. The 8x8 would for sure be better with a messy poop.



Feel intimidated by the process of making your own wipes? I found, through the help of a friend, two websites that are really great. One about making your own wipes, the other, about making your own wipe solution. I decided to try the Aloe one, and will report back the results. See my side bar for these links.

Now, if only I can figure out how to get a better grip on working the sewing machine...

A conversation with Jack

"You know Mommy, my penguin friend has a baby brother, and he has teeth! Actually, she has two babies, one is a girl and one is a boy."

So, Jack talks about his penguin friend pretty regularly, so I thought I'd do a Q&A to learn more about this friend. I encourage all parents to do these kinds of interviews, because they end up being pretty interesting and hilarious.

Where does your penguin friend live? In Hawaii
How old is your penguin friend? She's 5
Does she have a name? Yea
What is it? Her name is Breezette
Who does she live with? She has a orange house and she has ping pong there.
What's your favorite thing to do with your penguin friend? We love to go on walks and sometimes I take my Mahni stroller to her house. And she has a stuffed animal we can bring and her name is Ella. The stuffed animal is.
What's your penguin friend's favorite color? Black and Blue
What's your penguin friend's favorite thing to eat? Pesto Pasta
Does your penguin friend like music? Yes
What kind of music? It's called Ella the Elephant.
How do you go visit your penguin friend? I take a airplane. The trip is probably like 3 minutes. It's a different Hawaii, it's not so far, it's kind of close far.
What's her favorite thing to wear? A polka dotted skirt. And she has an orange shirt that goes with it. And the skirt is blue.
What's her favorite game? Her favorite game is go fish. And her favorite ball game is football.
What kind of house does she live in? She lives in, it's called owai. It's an orange kind of house. It's made out of metal. It's shaped like a rectangle.
What's her favorite musical instrument? The Piano. She loves to play the Piano.
What's her favorite drink? She likes to drink. She likes to drink pink latte's.
What does she like to sleep with at night? She sleeps with a blanket with toothbrushes and robots on it. It's a quilt.
Is there anything else you want to tell me about your penguin friend? She loves to go on hikes. She loves to play video games. Video games are kinda like you're a box. And her favorite animal is a lizard and a flamingo. Two favorite animals. I forgot something else. She likes to play the tuba.

I love this kid. If I was talented enough, I would turn this stuff into children's books!

For the love of Cloth!!!

I have to link this: heads up cloth lovers!

I love this blog, mostly because she created the diapers I use, so I find a lot of her BG tips to be really helpful.





Really, this is just a moment for me to cheer lead for cloth. It's funny that I noticed this post after attending a bridal shower yesterday. Of course at some point I had to change Leo and so I removed his bumGenius and put him in a KP. And all the little ladies were shocked and amazed by how easy cloth had become. No pins and no diaper services necessary. Everything pretty compact and easy to deal with. Lastly, they could not get over how cute cloth diapers have become.

"It can become an addiction if you have the money for it!" I laughed.

Well, in regards to the blog post I linked, I use cloth because it saves me money and it's better for the environment and it happens to leave my baby's ass rash free. Pretty good deal, don't you think?

Wait a minute, did that just happen?

I admit that I've been ignoring a very large part of who I have become. The doula in me has been stifled over the past year. When I had the two miscarriages I just felt like I could not be around a pregnant woman, let alone support her adequately through labor and delivery. After having Leo and having my amazing, out of this world, water birth, all those feelings came rushing back to me. The passion was reignited.







Susan offered to bring me to the Partners in Perinatal Health conference, despite my not being able to afford it at all. It amazes me that I have friends like this now. I admit there was a time where I thought I was doomed to suffer alone with no interesting women, mothers, friends. So I found a way to make it work and off Maria and I went to Marlborough with babies in tow. And it was so incredible. For the last two years I have spoken with various women in the birth community through my online groups, but to put faces to the names was pretty wonderful. Of course there were two highlights that shone above the rest. One was hearing Ina May Gaskin speak. I felt like a total groupie, hoping she'd bump into me or comment on how darling Leo was. Instead, one better happened! As I was lying down eating lunch and nursing Leo a woman came in asking if anyone had a digital camera (I did!) and if anyone would be willing to have pictures taken of them side lying for Ina May's breastfeeding book. ME! I can't imagine that I'd actually end up in the book, but even the possibility is so exciting. I have an e-mail in my inbox from Ina May!!





And the second highlight was being featured in Susan's workshop.

She had asked if I would mind giving her some photos from Leo's birth that would help illustrate some points in her workshop. And of course for Susan I will do mostly anything. I didn't realize how emotional it would be to see the pictures up there. I don't think I can thank Susan enough, though I've tried, for helping me achieve the birth I had dreamed of. And I know I've said it before, but my birth experience was so incredibly healing. So anyway, to see it there as an example was pretty powerful. Not to mention all the women coming up to me telling me how beautiful Leo is and what an amazing birth it looked like.

Well, the 2nd, and final, day came to an end (the babies declared it so) and I headed out and back home. Chris was working and I was on my own with the two boys, more than utterly exhausted and emotionally fried. I felt much like I did after my doula workshop. Ripped from my safe community where emotional things are being thrust around like the little balls inside a lottery machine.

I can't wait for next year.

The Best Stuff On Earth Just Got Better

Am I alone? In thinking that my darling, sweet, first born son, has suddenly turned into an annoying, nagging, dirty child?? I remember the adoration I had for him when he first arrived. So sweet and innocent. Every emotion pure and unadulterated. My feelings for him were nothing short of blissful. And as the months and years (oh how few there have been!) went by I became more and
more in love and intrigued by this being I had created. His sweet, pudgy hands, exploring simple pleasures like grass and water.

I can pin point when it all changed for me. When Leo was born. And of course it doesn't take much to put two and two together. Up until Leo was born, Jack was still my baby. He still seemed to have those sweet, pudgy hands, and that beautiful innocence about him. The dynamic just was a certain way. And then Leo came. And suddenly I noticed all the dirt under Jack's fingernails, and the annoying big kid habits like nose picking, joke killing and the sudden inability to play independently at all. There are definitely still moments where Jack will do something totally sweet, or will spell a word or write something. And then I'm in total awe of him. It amazes me still that this thing was created by me (yea, yea and the husband) and that he now reads, and writes, and has friends, and is slightly weird, and funny, and sarcastic. But then I look at Leo, and I can't fathom that he will ever be this annoying, or stubborn, or smelly or weird.

So I guess this is just all a part of the journey. The ever evolving love we have for our children at their various stages of life. Becoming a mother of two has honestly been the biggest challenge I feel I have faced. It is just so...strange. I mean really, when I reach and grasp for words, all I can hold on to is strange. Chris and I still can not believe we can love this baby as much as we love and loved Jack.

Of course there are new and wonderful things to enjoy with Jack. And when he isn't whining, or screaming, or sitting in time outs, these things are so fun. Like riding bikes, or painting, or going on walks to Harvard Sq. with our friends. He can write things, like "I love Mom". And he goes to school where they put on Mother's Day shows, and do cool art projects. He comes home and knows the sweetest songs and these things melt my heart. I guess really I just need to pull myself out of the every day and back into the moment. To realize again how fleeting it is, and even in the most difficult times, where parenting just feels excruciating, all that love, that started almost 4 years ago, is still there. More intense, and different, and with much more depth and different layers. It really blows my mind to think how this all will change over the next 5, 10, 20 years.

KiwiPie Review: Part 2

OK, the KiwiPie's totally rock and I love them. But something a bit ridiculous happened. See, after I ordered my KiwiwPie's, my cloth diapering soul mate directed my attention to a kind of diaper by the name of GoodMama's. Wow, it was kind of unfair to introduce me to both diapers in the same week. I remember it like it was just yesterday. Tearing the USPS package apart like a wolverine and melting into the sweet puppy from the toilet paper commercials. I was totally enamored with the softness of the KiwiPie feeling almost guilty for putting him in it to shit.

But then my cloth diaper fairy sent me two GM's. First of all, my jaw hit the floor with shock. *tips hat to darling diaper friend* Now, onto the facts. One thing they fail to mention on their site is that putting your baby in one of these diapers is like wrapping their asses in teddy bear skin. This is pretty much the Cadillac of fitted cloth diapers. I had no idea that diapers could feel this way, or that I could feel this way about a diaper. The material is called Bamboo Velor. Did you just choke on your coffee? I almost did. Wait, so I'm supposed to let my kid pee and poop in this thing? And I have to cover it with a diaper cover?? If I had the money to really indulge my obsession, cloth diapering would no longer be a cost saving endeavor . It would be my mommy crack. I'd order a diaper a day. They are soft, fit well, and have yet to leak. note: these GM diapers do require the ProRaps I mentioned in my earlier review, despite Leo being pictured sans diaper cover!



I suppose the only complaint I could have, if I tried really, really hard, is the bulk. They are definitely, only a bit, bulkier than the KPs. I attribute this to the difference in fabric/material. Since babyL is already ridiculously large, I don't much notice the bulk. And they also take a bit longer to dry. I'm anxious to get something set up so I can dry outdoors more.

Until next time, when I have something more to say about this obsession of mine.

*Insert Witty Mother's Day Title*

Truthfully, I started this post in my head a few days ago. I was driving back from preschool pick-up and listening to some random song on the radio that had some affect on my postpartum, hormonal self. I started remembering back, a year ago. This week was the one year anniversary of us being royally fucked by UPS and also us finding out we were pregnant with L. And now, a year later, Chris is about to graduate from his technical school with a 3.9GPA and we are enjoying our much fuller family. I never thought we'd be here.

It's been a really hard year, and to say the hard times have passed would be naive. Chris still has to find a job, and I still have to spend the rest of my life raising two boys. But things don't feel so terrifying. I don't wake up constantly with a pit in my stomach fearing what's next. I am filled with hope and anticipation of our bright future. These two absolutely beautiful and joy filled children are in our lives, and my husband has found passion and drive, and I am just way too obsessed with being a mom.

I think though, that one of the best things that's happened to me in the past year, is that the hard work I've put into making mom friends has paid off. I know I wrote a whole post about this before, but I never really and truly realized how essential it is, as a mom, to have a good group of friends that are sharing in your same experiences. I feel so full. I have friends who have babies Leo's age, I have friends who have kids Jack's age, I have friends who have one kid, I have friends who have two. Some of these people I can tell are not fleeting. These are real friendships, with all the give and take, and support. People I can be honest with about not having bathed my kid for 3 days, and the truth that sometimes being a mom is just really fucking hard.

And let's be honest, enough books to cover the earth with their pages could be written about what it feels like to become a mom. So I won't waste my time even attempting to describe what it feels like to wake up every morning, to two beautiful humans, who love you in a way that literally no one else in the world does. That's why, for me, I am sometimes overwhelmed by the pressure to live up to what these kids expect. Every day is a challenge, and any mistake that I make, I wake up the next day determined to be better, to do better.



Well, I've been a mom now for almost 4 years, and now to two children. And on days like this, I just hope I'm doing a good enough job that my children, and my family, want to celebrate me.

Here's to all the moms! To my mom and my mother in law. To all my dear, dear friends who help me every day to be a better mother and a better friend and who continue to fill me up with knowledge, advice and most valuable, their precious time.

*cheers*

Four Months Already?

Things really start getting good. He's blowing raspberries, trying so hard to roll, even though his massive size prohibits this. He's so much more active, physically and verbally, chatting with us all day. I just fall more and more in love with him, and with being a mom of two. Cheers Leo.

You have to hate something

There has to be one thing, that as a mom, makes you cringe. For me, it's PlayDoh. In theory it's fantastic. And you always think that you can keep it under control, and not mix the colors and that it won't totally annoy you to see the rainbow of colors under your finger nails for practically a week. But that's just not ever going to happen.

PlayDoh will be messy. The colors will get mixed and you will be vacuuming tiny fallen PlayDoh soldiers for days.

Well, yesterday, Jack asked me so sweetly if I would play PlayDoh with him. How could I say no? I have a hard time with it, saying no that is, especially now that Leo is here and my time feels so divided and precious for each child. So, I let him get it out. I dumped out the little mounds of doughy goodness and let him go to town. I didn't even remind him once to keep the colors separate. I figure I better get used to multicolored balls now, so that when Leo is tossed into the mix, it's not so heartbreaking for me, or Jack. In fact, with the OCD that runs in this family, it's a wonder Jack even wants to mix the colors.

I guess I just felt good that I let go a little. I think it's important to remember that things like this are not a big deal. It's only PlayDoh!

KiwiPie Review: Part 1

Come along with me on my journey through cloth diapering.

As I've said before, I used BumGenius diapers with my first, and am now using them with Leo. I am totally smitten for cloth. I adore it's soft embrace on my baby's deliciously chunky booty. But fortunately (or unfortunately perhaps for my bank account) I have a good friend who dared to go beyond the BumGenius diapers and ventured into a world of the unknown. And damnit, she brought me along with her. So, I discovered KiwiPie diapers. And I think I'm in love.

So, let's break it down. Facts about KiwiPies: One size diaper. Bamboo. Fantastic. Covers required.

Thoughts: It was strange going from the BG's which are pocket diapers, to the KiwiPie's. They require a cover, but I just wanted to stare at Leo in his awesome diaper, so the first time I didn't use a cover. He wore it for about 1.5 hours and then needed a change, or so I thought. Consulted my personal diaper guru. Covers give you more time! Duh. The thing about KP's is, they are the insert. Lucky for me, I had some ProRap covers from diapering Jack. When I used the cover with the next KP, I got a good 2 hours out of it.

What I like: They are so incredibly soft. I wish there was a way I could have you feel them, because wow. I also like that I pretty much use one cover throughout the day, while just alternating the KP's. They are easier to maintain than the BG's because there is less fear I will disrupt proper absorption with detergent buildup or ruin the PUL. One last thing, they are SO trim. They are certainly no more bulky than the BG's.

What I'm still learning: Will these perform as well at night as the BG's? My BG's are still my go to diaper for a long period of time. But, I have only used the KP's for one day. And I am jonesing for more.

(and by the way, real men wear pink. woof.)

Is your life a big square of letters?

You know those word searches you get on your kid's menu at restaurants? It's a big square with a bunch of letters and in the midst of it you are supposed to find whatever random words they want you to, like pizza, or meatball. Well, yesterday my life felt like a giant, and very messy, square of letters.

My mom (aka Nana) had surgery yesterday, and for the two or so days leading up to it I was a mess of nerves. I wasn't sleeping at night, feeling really anxious and wound up during the day. Long story short, she was a single mom, and despite what I might say about my childhood I have a ridiculously close relationship with her. She's basically never allowed to leave me, ever. And over the past couple of years she has had a few bumps on her road of perfect health. More than she deserves and more than I can stomach. So needless to say, I was nervous. Tuesday was not a good day. I finally motivated myself to get the kids out (since Leo was refusing to nap anyway) and go for a walk to Medford Sq. I thought I'd go see if I could find a sun hat for Leo, stop at the library and maybe pick up an iced coffee on my way back home. I stopped at CVS first because in my haste, I forgot any water for Jack and myself. And breast pads. My debit card was a no go (insufficient funds), try the credit card, that didn't work. So humiliating. Put the stuff back and skulk away. There goes my iced coffee...

Next was the library. So pleasant. A few kids even popped in and Jack was lulled by a sweet irish mom reading to her little boy, Cormie (his name is Cormack but he likes to be called Cormie, he told us sweetly). And after Jack carefully picked out the books he wanted and Leo nursed, we went to check them out. Only Chris had had the videos we borrowed from the library in his car for so long, saying he would just drop them off on the way back from school, that the late fine was tremendous. So big that we are blocked from borrowing until it's paid. Which is hard to do when you have no money. Jack was such a trooper as we again had to quietly escape. I stepped oustide and felt like a total mess. Like I couldn't focus on anything, like, say, walking.

We finally make it back home and Jack asks in the most sweetest of ways, could I please, PLEASE, cut up his cantaloupe. Of course! And then I pick it up, and it's hard as a rock. Nothing could go right. And I just thought to myself, I will go through a day of terror as long as the only thing that goes right is mom's surgery.

And it did! Dr. Flesh (I kid you not) called at around 4pm to say the surgery went smoothly and she was waking up. A few hours later my amazing mother in law came to deliver cookies and sit on our couch so we could visit Nana at the Brigham. We watched the celtics game with her and then dragged ourselves home.

What a day. Cheers to Nana.

Tea Kettle

Oh! We got a tea kettle for Chris' birthday from mom. It's fancy and electric so we can make tea in bed. Ha! And it's shiny. We like it.

Why I love summer

I love summer because it means being outside from about 7am-7pm. Post dinner walks to the playground, road trips to the beach and hiking around Menotomy Rocks Park. All winter long I debate whether or not I need prozac, but a few days of summer set me straight. And reassure me it's only seasonal.

The start of this summer feels so different, and quite honestly feels like the first summer we've had in years. Last summer was kicked off with Chris losing his job and us finding out we were pregnant again. And despite the fact that Chris was home all summer and we pretty much did nothing but fun outdoor activities, it still feels like it was a complete blur of miscarriage worry and job loss stress. I am so thrilled that now, a year later, Chris is a few weeks away from graduating. I have to admit, that when he started electrician's school I was worried. His track record with school is, to put it nicely, not good. Not that mine is any better. And I worried that this would be another black hole for other people's money, or something he would get bored with. But it was quite the opposite. For years I've wondered what would light the metaphorical fire under his ass. Always interested in things, and very smart, but never driven quite enough. I admit I still deal with a lot of my own feelings of resentment towards him. Why now? Why didn't he try harder to hone into what really drives and excites him. Why weren't we enough to make him work this hard in the past? I suppose that's the challenge though. To support your partner, especially when it gets this hard, until they find their way to what it is they need to be doing. And to not take it personally, which can be very hard. He and I share many of the same pitfalls. We both struggle with ADD. Neither one of us is medicated and there are times I realize we are really not functioning well with it. I digress.

This summer is filled with hope and excitement. Something I don't think we've really felt for a while. I hope that Chris is able to find a job in a reasonable amount of time because I actually know that he will be really happy working. And that's a really nice feeling. To see your partner embark into something that truly interests them and challenges them.


And it also means fat, darling babies, with big booties, sleeping in onesies.

And what a day it was

I always love this week in April. I never appreciated it, or even noticed it, until I met my husband. His birthday is today, and JJ's birthday is the 20th, and Mike's birthday is also today. My wonderful mother in law, mother to 9, always remembers this week so fondly. Entering into the hospital, New England on the cusp of spring, with only the boldest buds peeking out of the dirt. And each time leaving with a fresh little baby, cheeks as rosy as the fresh tulips that are only just now beginning to blossom. And sure enough, this morning, we looked out our office window to the tree in front of our house, and it was dappled with lime green sprouts.

So, onto the celebration. What better way to celebrate your 25th birthday than to bring your son in for his first dentist appointment. Well, Jack did fantastic. He loved every minute of it, which was shocking to me. I'm a dentist hater. A cavity with practically every visit for as long as I can remember. Chris and I, however, got a scolding. And well deserved. But damn it felt bad. Jack has this one tooth, that from the moment it popped up, had decay on it, or so it has seemed. I know, I know I should have done something about it sooner. I stupidly accepted my pediatrician saying that nothing could be done, he just had soft teeth. And then we went through a lot of insurance confusion as we lost our benefits from UPS and had to get onto MassHealth. But really these are just excuses, selfishly trying to make myself feel better for dropping the ball. Because honestly it just sucks sending your kid into a situation you know is going to be unpleasant, and one he'll most likely deal with forever, because the kid didn't get good teeth genes. Stay tuned...

Post dentist, all fed and in good moods, we had the brilliant (debatable) idea to walk from our house to Davis. It was a 45-50 minute walk, and by the time we got there, my thighs and calves were burning. Let's see, how should we reward ourselves for our stellar parenting and 3 cavity filled child. Mm, cupcakes sound good. If you've never been to KickAss Cupcakes in Davis Square I really and truly feel sad for you. They are the most delicious baked creations I've ever eaten. Truly ambrosia. We headed to the playground to nurse/eat cupcakes/ run around. Davis Square suddenly seemed to turn into a wind tunnel, and after Jack had a major wipe-out we slogged home. After getting everyone down to sleep, the four of us passed out until 5.

Wanna love your Moby? Maybe I can help...

This is my attempt to get other moms to love their Moby's as much as I do. I'd appreciate feedback, if there's anything I could improve. If the response is positive, I'll try and demo other holds as I learn them. I'm not convinced that this attempt is any better than what's already out there, but it's worth a shot!

Look Ma! I'm one of the cool kids.

Man, peer pressure is a bitch. My kid had to have the latest in exersaucers. No longer a saucer, but a hybrid toy that looks like a johnny jump up did it with an exersaucer. It's plastic heaven. And thanks to friend Jen, we got it for a great deal off of craigslist.

I really love buying used. It was at first out of necessity, pinching pennies and all that. But now I get a real kick out of doing everything we can to reduce our footprint a bit.


And then there was Sophie. All the rage among parents of infants. Chubby, little hands that glisten with drool, wrap their little fingers, daintily, around Sophie's (the giraffe) neck. And sweet, patient Sophie only utters a darling squeek, much like that of a dog toy. I kid you not. My child, be without Sophie?! Never! And our toy-fairy godmother must have heard Leo's darling little pleas in his sweetest of dreams. Please, please could I have a Sophie too? (insert millions of thanks to Laura here)

He's got a bumbo too, which Jack never had. And to be honest, I don't know how Jack ever learned how to sit up. Ah, sarcasm doesn't read well I suppose. But it was only $14 off of craigslist, so if he hates it, it's not a total bust right?!

Didn't cave babies just bang rocks and sticks together?

Portland, Gustafer, and shining moments in parenting

Well, after much debate, the husband and I decided we'd go for it, and drive the 2 hours up to Portland, ME for the second year in a row, to see the Gustafer Yellowgold concert. With sick baby in tow, we loaded up, bickered, and hit the road.

The ride up was deceptively easy. Even though Leo stayed awake the whole time (insane right?!) Jack got a good nap, and despite the ridiculous amount of money we spent on tolls (there and back) we arrived in one piece, managed to find a good parking space and unloaded. We had a bit of time to eat before the show, so we headed to subway (which of course was an experience in itself). And then onto the show. Jack picked his rug square, I wrapped Leo, and we got seats. The show rocked.






Next, back to the car to feed the meter, and then to J's for the best clam chowder ever. Well, this picture of me probably says it all. And if it doesn't then I'll say this. Small restaurant, over tired 3.5yo and 3month old equals us inhaling the chowder, sucking down our beers and running out of there as fast as we could before we all spontaneously combusted.

There was some happiness and laughter en route back to the car, which quickly ended when Jack fell into a tantrum and Leo started screaming. Load everyone back in the car, bicker about how to get back to the highway, find the highway, breath. Well it was a pretty quiet 15 minutes until Leo started screaming. Pay a toll, get off highway to nurse, get back on highway, pay another toll just to get back on the highway and cross our fingers.

Well, Leo screamed through all of New Hampshire and some of MA. Meanwhile, when asked if he was glad we decided to go to Portland, Jack replied simply "No". Well, great. BECAUSE I FEEL THE SAME FUCKING WAY.

No, in all seriousness, it was our first trip as a family of 4. I remembered back to last year and our first Gustafer concert. Not one family there had only one child, and I was fresh off two miscarriages. This year felt great. Our complete (for now) little family, and when that music started I knew Jack was having a great time, despite what he might say.

Finally home, two kids in bed, sleeping. And I barely had enough juice to blog.

Success!

Did I forget to mention that we are using cloth diapers with babyLeo? Well, we are. We started initially with Jack when he was about 2 years old, and really liked it! Unfortunately, we got lazy when we moved from Quincy to Medford and then potty training followed. When I got pregnant again I was determined to do cloth diapering. So, we registered for all the bum genius 3.0's we needed and were so excited when most of the new baby gifts we got were diapers!

So now we had all the diapers we needed, and all the supplies, and yet I couldn't do it. I was nervous they'd leak, or that we wouldn't wash them right, even though we were old hats. I've slowly been using them daily. And then there was the day that I realized babyLeo hadn't pooped in a while, and started to feel nervous about the prospect of him pooping in a cloth diaper. Well, sure enough his butt exploded in the diaper, and the diaper held! The last cloth diaper hurdle? Overnights.

BabyLeo sleeps pretty well at night (of course now that I've uttered it aloud, he'll start a sleep strike) and so I was nervous that the cloth diaper would feel too damp after 12 hours, or that it would leak, or be too bulky for him to sleep comfortably. Last night, we came to a crossroads. One disposable diaper left, and one cloth diaper clean. Which to do, which to do. And we went with the cloth. You know what?! He slept his normal 12 hours, woke up dry and happy. So that's it. We're all in. And it feels pretty awesome that I'm never going to buy a disposable diaper again.

Next up: making my own baby food.

So, that was awkward.

I can't say I've much experienced the pain and longevity of dating. One of the perks of getting married young. So I'm in the clear, right? Wrong. Turns out when you have a baby, there's a whole new cast of characters to add to the show. Mom friends.

It's actually quite harder than one would imagine to make new friends. I mean really, we've been doing it since preschool. But what if you don't agree on breastfeeding, or baby wearing, or letting your baby cry, or when to feed solids, or one of the many, and I mean many, other controversial topics that come up when you become a parent. I have to say it's taken me a while to get here. Lots of blind dates. But I finally feel like I am developing a pretty good crew. And it feels really really good. Better than I thought it would. Because really when it comes to being a mom, you just need someone who understands, to tell you you're not totally insane.

After a play date with my new mommy friends that included an afternoon outside and sipping glasses of prosecco, I have to say that the pain and awkwardness of dating was definitely, and finally, worth it.

Darling Leo

3 months ago today, I was doing this:


Ever since then, Leo has been doing this:



And all the while I have been falling more and more in love with him. The pain and heartache that Chris and I went through was unbearable. But it was all healed the moment we held Leo in our arms. I've often times tried to articulate the feeling of becoming a parent, and have never been able. While trying to figure that out, I became a parent again. The feeling of loving two people as much as I do my boys, is sometimes very, very frightening. It's such a joy to watch them both grow.

Q&A with Jack

So I borrowed this from my friend Laura's blog. She did it with her 4 year old.



1. What is something mom always says to you? Don't do that (wow. what a shining moment in my parenting career)

2. What makes mom happy? when I give you hugs

3. What makes mom sad? When I hit you

4. How does your mom make you laugh? When you tell me jokes

5. What was your mom like as a child? a baby

6. How old is your mom? 10

7. How tall is your mom? This tall (as Jack raises his arm only slightly above his head)

8. What is her favorite thing to do? Play games

9. What does your mom do when you're not around? you clean

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for? a tree

11. What is your mom really good at? fixing things

12. What is your mom not very good at? you're not very good at making a chart

13. What does your mom do for her job? you go to work and play with all those babies.

14. What is your mom's favorite food? celery. (hilarious, because there's nothing I dislike more)

15. What makes you proud of your mom? that you go to school

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be? john and john from they might be giants here come the abc's

17. What do you and your mom do together? play games

18. How are you and your mom the same? we both have a drum

19. How are you and your mom different? I have silver and white and orange shoes and you have blue ones

20. How do you know your mom loves you? because you call me sweet pea.

21. What does your mom like most about your dad? that he gives you hugs.

22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go? the beach.

Little Firefly is born

I don't exactly know where to start my birth story, because in reality I feel it must include the entire week leading up to it.

On a very cold and windy night, Jan. 1 to be exact, I was walking from my in laws' house to the car after dinner. I started to feel a contraction coming on, which wasn't uncommon and I disregarded as a braxton hick, and took a deep breath in. All of a sudden I heard and felt a pop, and no, it wasn't my water. I had pinched/pulled/strained a muscle in my back and could not move. I'm sure you can imagine this would make things difficult at 38weeks and some days pregnant. We shuffled to the car and hurried home. After an excruciatingly painful night of what I guess you would call sleeping, I called my sister early in the morning in tears, asking her what chiropractor she had gone to when she was pregnant and living in Boston. I immediately made an appointment for that day. After shuffling Jack off to the in laws', Chris and I headed to my appointment. I won't go into how terribly long I waited, but will only say I was adjusted and sent on my way. Next stop, acupuncture. I had at this point been going once weekly to acupuncture anyway, but she offered to help with my neck problem. Saint Sharon whom I adore. She did some work on my neck and I felt a little better. By the end of the weekend, my neck was almost totally healed, and Chris and I had tried, pathetically, to have what I guess you could call sex, to try and encourage Little Firefly to find it's way to the exit. Nothing.

On Monday, January 5th, I wrote an e-mail to my midwife and dear friend Susan, and my doula, Lauren. I needed major cheer leading. I was feeling hopeless. Exhausted from the months of worry, and just ready to know that Little Firefly would survive and be healthy and happy and beautiful. I had no idea what to expect from the start of labor since I had been socially induced with Jack. Lots of unproductive contractions. No baby.

Wednesday, January 7th was my regular, weekly appointment with the midwives. I had practiced in my head for months. That I was a doula, that I trusted my body, and that I would not be checked, stripped or induced in any way. Well, after a horrific stomach bug at 36weeks, being 3cm dilated, 80% effaced and -1 station for weeks, and the neck pull, I needed a little encouragement. The midwife who I saw that day, Tamra, said that she felt more than comfortable stripping my membranes, and so I folded like a house of cards. Strip me! Please! I went home, felt slightly crampy per usual, and had a bit of bloody show. Woo-hoo!

Thursday, January 8th was just like any other day with Jack. No school on Thursdays, so I always try and have something fun to do. On this particular Thursday we set out to buy a baby bjorn potty for the training Jack and to exchange a christmas present at the curious george bookstore in Harvard Sq. I can't even begin to describe the perfect day we had. First to buy the pink and yellow potties, then on to Harvard Sq. where Jack had never been, and into the magical toy store. He picked out a solar system puzzle and dinosaur placemat. We came home, had a wonderful lunch, did the puzzle and split for nap time. I was still just having my normal contractions throughout the day, but felt no different than any other day. After nap time I had this insane urge to get to costco. I mean, we couldn't buy bulk fast enough. After walking through all of Costco and enduring a million "Oh my gosh! You must be due any minute!" comments, we rested with a berry smoothie before loading up the car. Oh, and funny story, Amy was on her way to visit us from NYC. When we got home, we unloaded the car and quickly made dinner for boy wonder. I was definitely not hungry. I had a quick trip to the bathroom where I pretty much emptied out my entire system, or so it felt. It was followed by lots more of my plug and some show. Went back downstairs and started chatting on the computer with Susan. I can't even begin to describe what it meant for me to have Susan in my life at the time of this birth. When we first connected at my doula workshop, I just felt so capable around her. She was this strong, intelligent, remarkable woman. I feel so lucky to now have a friendship with her. She and I talked for a bit, and she helped me let some emotion out, put me in check and sent me on my way. This was at 7pm. I still felt only crampy, and was having mild back aches. Around 9:30, Chris left to pick Amy up from the bus station. At 10, I started chatting with a friend on the computer, who is also a doula. Occassionally mentioning that I was feeling weird, uncomfortable, but that it was nothing. By 11 I was feeling pressure in my bottom, menstrual cramps, and was noticing a pattern. The next bit is kind of a blur. Chris and Amy came home at some point. I was in the shower for a bit. Phone calls were made to the doula and Susan. And by 12:15 I couldn't take it anymore and we had to get to Mt. Auburn. Amy was so wonderful. Helping me through contractions when Chris had to go into the other room and panic. We arrived, almost screaming, at the ER entrance where wonderful Susan was waiting for us. Chris endured the painful (and I mean in the ass) process of checking in while Susan helped me labor. By the time we got upstairs I was in this strange place. The contractions were intense to say the least, but the in between time I was completely coherent. Chatting, joking. Susan almost thought she'd have to send me home! I went to the bathroom, had lots of show and then was checked. 8cm, -1 station and 100% effaced. "Shut the fuck up! Are you serious?" Susan replied "Yes I'm serious!" to which we all high fived. Too cool. Then there was the fetal heart monitoring. Little firefly didn't want to be found and gave us all a scare. Finally. A heartbeat. Now, onward! Susan had to get the water in the tub warm and I had to sit on the bed and labor, which was misery, while we waited. At which point I had the most monsterous contraction, and broke my water all over the bed and Chris. To which I exclaimed "ahhhhh get me in the tub!" Plop. In I went. I can't describe to you the feeling of a water birth. It was the single most amazing experience of my life. My baby in me, in water. Me birthing my baby in water. Floating and writhing and breathing and melting. My husband, baby making partner, talking lovingly and encouraging me. My mother stroking me sweetly, just as I remember it when I was little. The doula doing some neck massage, but mostly just being the photo documentarian. And somewhere between the time we checked in, at 12:50am, and 1:53am, I pushed out little baby firefly.

Besides the fact that my body cavity was now lacking an 8+lb appendage, I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. A boy. A beautiful, beautiful, healthy, crying, wonderful boy. He was real, and I hadn't lost him, and I could accept that. After we hung out in the water for about 15 minutes, the cord was cut and he was off to be weighed. 8lbs 2.1oz and 20inches long. Perfect. Placenta was delivered, I lost lots of blood like I did with my first birth, some scary moments, but in the end, we were brought to the post partum suite, with our new little boy and all the people we love around us. Baby Firefly was not named until the day we left the hospital. It's a strange thing to name your second child. Due to his silver hair, people commented on his "mane" and Leo was in the runnings, and it's a family name. And it's who he is supposed to be. Leo.