The Best Stuff On Earth Just Got Better

Am I alone? In thinking that my darling, sweet, first born son, has suddenly turned into an annoying, nagging, dirty child?? I remember the adoration I had for him when he first arrived. So sweet and innocent. Every emotion pure and unadulterated. My feelings for him were nothing short of blissful. And as the months and years (oh how few there have been!) went by I became more and
more in love and intrigued by this being I had created. His sweet, pudgy hands, exploring simple pleasures like grass and water.

I can pin point when it all changed for me. When Leo was born. And of course it doesn't take much to put two and two together. Up until Leo was born, Jack was still my baby. He still seemed to have those sweet, pudgy hands, and that beautiful innocence about him. The dynamic just was a certain way. And then Leo came. And suddenly I noticed all the dirt under Jack's fingernails, and the annoying big kid habits like nose picking, joke killing and the sudden inability to play independently at all. There are definitely still moments where Jack will do something totally sweet, or will spell a word or write something. And then I'm in total awe of him. It amazes me still that this thing was created by me (yea, yea and the husband) and that he now reads, and writes, and has friends, and is slightly weird, and funny, and sarcastic. But then I look at Leo, and I can't fathom that he will ever be this annoying, or stubborn, or smelly or weird.

So I guess this is just all a part of the journey. The ever evolving love we have for our children at their various stages of life. Becoming a mother of two has honestly been the biggest challenge I feel I have faced. It is just so...strange. I mean really, when I reach and grasp for words, all I can hold on to is strange. Chris and I still can not believe we can love this baby as much as we love and loved Jack.

Of course there are new and wonderful things to enjoy with Jack. And when he isn't whining, or screaming, or sitting in time outs, these things are so fun. Like riding bikes, or painting, or going on walks to Harvard Sq. with our friends. He can write things, like "I love Mom". And he goes to school where they put on Mother's Day shows, and do cool art projects. He comes home and knows the sweetest songs and these things melt my heart. I guess really I just need to pull myself out of the every day and back into the moment. To realize again how fleeting it is, and even in the most difficult times, where parenting just feels excruciating, all that love, that started almost 4 years ago, is still there. More intense, and different, and with much more depth and different layers. It really blows my mind to think how this all will change over the next 5, 10, 20 years.