Is your life a big square of letters?

You know those word searches you get on your kid's menu at restaurants? It's a big square with a bunch of letters and in the midst of it you are supposed to find whatever random words they want you to, like pizza, or meatball. Well, yesterday my life felt like a giant, and very messy, square of letters.

My mom (aka Nana) had surgery yesterday, and for the two or so days leading up to it I was a mess of nerves. I wasn't sleeping at night, feeling really anxious and wound up during the day. Long story short, she was a single mom, and despite what I might say about my childhood I have a ridiculously close relationship with her. She's basically never allowed to leave me, ever. And over the past couple of years she has had a few bumps on her road of perfect health. More than she deserves and more than I can stomach. So needless to say, I was nervous. Tuesday was not a good day. I finally motivated myself to get the kids out (since Leo was refusing to nap anyway) and go for a walk to Medford Sq. I thought I'd go see if I could find a sun hat for Leo, stop at the library and maybe pick up an iced coffee on my way back home. I stopped at CVS first because in my haste, I forgot any water for Jack and myself. And breast pads. My debit card was a no go (insufficient funds), try the credit card, that didn't work. So humiliating. Put the stuff back and skulk away. There goes my iced coffee...

Next was the library. So pleasant. A few kids even popped in and Jack was lulled by a sweet irish mom reading to her little boy, Cormie (his name is Cormack but he likes to be called Cormie, he told us sweetly). And after Jack carefully picked out the books he wanted and Leo nursed, we went to check them out. Only Chris had had the videos we borrowed from the library in his car for so long, saying he would just drop them off on the way back from school, that the late fine was tremendous. So big that we are blocked from borrowing until it's paid. Which is hard to do when you have no money. Jack was such a trooper as we again had to quietly escape. I stepped oustide and felt like a total mess. Like I couldn't focus on anything, like, say, walking.

We finally make it back home and Jack asks in the most sweetest of ways, could I please, PLEASE, cut up his cantaloupe. Of course! And then I pick it up, and it's hard as a rock. Nothing could go right. And I just thought to myself, I will go through a day of terror as long as the only thing that goes right is mom's surgery.

And it did! Dr. Flesh (I kid you not) called at around 4pm to say the surgery went smoothly and she was waking up. A few hours later my amazing mother in law came to deliver cookies and sit on our couch so we could visit Nana at the Brigham. We watched the celtics game with her and then dragged ourselves home.

What a day. Cheers to Nana.

Tea Kettle

Oh! We got a tea kettle for Chris' birthday from mom. It's fancy and electric so we can make tea in bed. Ha! And it's shiny. We like it.

Why I love summer

I love summer because it means being outside from about 7am-7pm. Post dinner walks to the playground, road trips to the beach and hiking around Menotomy Rocks Park. All winter long I debate whether or not I need prozac, but a few days of summer set me straight. And reassure me it's only seasonal.

The start of this summer feels so different, and quite honestly feels like the first summer we've had in years. Last summer was kicked off with Chris losing his job and us finding out we were pregnant again. And despite the fact that Chris was home all summer and we pretty much did nothing but fun outdoor activities, it still feels like it was a complete blur of miscarriage worry and job loss stress. I am so thrilled that now, a year later, Chris is a few weeks away from graduating. I have to admit, that when he started electrician's school I was worried. His track record with school is, to put it nicely, not good. Not that mine is any better. And I worried that this would be another black hole for other people's money, or something he would get bored with. But it was quite the opposite. For years I've wondered what would light the metaphorical fire under his ass. Always interested in things, and very smart, but never driven quite enough. I admit I still deal with a lot of my own feelings of resentment towards him. Why now? Why didn't he try harder to hone into what really drives and excites him. Why weren't we enough to make him work this hard in the past? I suppose that's the challenge though. To support your partner, especially when it gets this hard, until they find their way to what it is they need to be doing. And to not take it personally, which can be very hard. He and I share many of the same pitfalls. We both struggle with ADD. Neither one of us is medicated and there are times I realize we are really not functioning well with it. I digress.

This summer is filled with hope and excitement. Something I don't think we've really felt for a while. I hope that Chris is able to find a job in a reasonable amount of time because I actually know that he will be really happy working. And that's a really nice feeling. To see your partner embark into something that truly interests them and challenges them.


And it also means fat, darling babies, with big booties, sleeping in onesies.

And what a day it was

I always love this week in April. I never appreciated it, or even noticed it, until I met my husband. His birthday is today, and JJ's birthday is the 20th, and Mike's birthday is also today. My wonderful mother in law, mother to 9, always remembers this week so fondly. Entering into the hospital, New England on the cusp of spring, with only the boldest buds peeking out of the dirt. And each time leaving with a fresh little baby, cheeks as rosy as the fresh tulips that are only just now beginning to blossom. And sure enough, this morning, we looked out our office window to the tree in front of our house, and it was dappled with lime green sprouts.

So, onto the celebration. What better way to celebrate your 25th birthday than to bring your son in for his first dentist appointment. Well, Jack did fantastic. He loved every minute of it, which was shocking to me. I'm a dentist hater. A cavity with practically every visit for as long as I can remember. Chris and I, however, got a scolding. And well deserved. But damn it felt bad. Jack has this one tooth, that from the moment it popped up, had decay on it, or so it has seemed. I know, I know I should have done something about it sooner. I stupidly accepted my pediatrician saying that nothing could be done, he just had soft teeth. And then we went through a lot of insurance confusion as we lost our benefits from UPS and had to get onto MassHealth. But really these are just excuses, selfishly trying to make myself feel better for dropping the ball. Because honestly it just sucks sending your kid into a situation you know is going to be unpleasant, and one he'll most likely deal with forever, because the kid didn't get good teeth genes. Stay tuned...

Post dentist, all fed and in good moods, we had the brilliant (debatable) idea to walk from our house to Davis. It was a 45-50 minute walk, and by the time we got there, my thighs and calves were burning. Let's see, how should we reward ourselves for our stellar parenting and 3 cavity filled child. Mm, cupcakes sound good. If you've never been to KickAss Cupcakes in Davis Square I really and truly feel sad for you. They are the most delicious baked creations I've ever eaten. Truly ambrosia. We headed to the playground to nurse/eat cupcakes/ run around. Davis Square suddenly seemed to turn into a wind tunnel, and after Jack had a major wipe-out we slogged home. After getting everyone down to sleep, the four of us passed out until 5.

Wanna love your Moby? Maybe I can help...

This is my attempt to get other moms to love their Moby's as much as I do. I'd appreciate feedback, if there's anything I could improve. If the response is positive, I'll try and demo other holds as I learn them. I'm not convinced that this attempt is any better than what's already out there, but it's worth a shot!

Look Ma! I'm one of the cool kids.

Man, peer pressure is a bitch. My kid had to have the latest in exersaucers. No longer a saucer, but a hybrid toy that looks like a johnny jump up did it with an exersaucer. It's plastic heaven. And thanks to friend Jen, we got it for a great deal off of craigslist.

I really love buying used. It was at first out of necessity, pinching pennies and all that. But now I get a real kick out of doing everything we can to reduce our footprint a bit.


And then there was Sophie. All the rage among parents of infants. Chubby, little hands that glisten with drool, wrap their little fingers, daintily, around Sophie's (the giraffe) neck. And sweet, patient Sophie only utters a darling squeek, much like that of a dog toy. I kid you not. My child, be without Sophie?! Never! And our toy-fairy godmother must have heard Leo's darling little pleas in his sweetest of dreams. Please, please could I have a Sophie too? (insert millions of thanks to Laura here)

He's got a bumbo too, which Jack never had. And to be honest, I don't know how Jack ever learned how to sit up. Ah, sarcasm doesn't read well I suppose. But it was only $14 off of craigslist, so if he hates it, it's not a total bust right?!

Didn't cave babies just bang rocks and sticks together?

Portland, Gustafer, and shining moments in parenting

Well, after much debate, the husband and I decided we'd go for it, and drive the 2 hours up to Portland, ME for the second year in a row, to see the Gustafer Yellowgold concert. With sick baby in tow, we loaded up, bickered, and hit the road.

The ride up was deceptively easy. Even though Leo stayed awake the whole time (insane right?!) Jack got a good nap, and despite the ridiculous amount of money we spent on tolls (there and back) we arrived in one piece, managed to find a good parking space and unloaded. We had a bit of time to eat before the show, so we headed to subway (which of course was an experience in itself). And then onto the show. Jack picked his rug square, I wrapped Leo, and we got seats. The show rocked.






Next, back to the car to feed the meter, and then to J's for the best clam chowder ever. Well, this picture of me probably says it all. And if it doesn't then I'll say this. Small restaurant, over tired 3.5yo and 3month old equals us inhaling the chowder, sucking down our beers and running out of there as fast as we could before we all spontaneously combusted.

There was some happiness and laughter en route back to the car, which quickly ended when Jack fell into a tantrum and Leo started screaming. Load everyone back in the car, bicker about how to get back to the highway, find the highway, breath. Well it was a pretty quiet 15 minutes until Leo started screaming. Pay a toll, get off highway to nurse, get back on highway, pay another toll just to get back on the highway and cross our fingers.

Well, Leo screamed through all of New Hampshire and some of MA. Meanwhile, when asked if he was glad we decided to go to Portland, Jack replied simply "No". Well, great. BECAUSE I FEEL THE SAME FUCKING WAY.

No, in all seriousness, it was our first trip as a family of 4. I remembered back to last year and our first Gustafer concert. Not one family there had only one child, and I was fresh off two miscarriages. This year felt great. Our complete (for now) little family, and when that music started I knew Jack was having a great time, despite what he might say.

Finally home, two kids in bed, sleeping. And I barely had enough juice to blog.

Success!

Did I forget to mention that we are using cloth diapers with babyLeo? Well, we are. We started initially with Jack when he was about 2 years old, and really liked it! Unfortunately, we got lazy when we moved from Quincy to Medford and then potty training followed. When I got pregnant again I was determined to do cloth diapering. So, we registered for all the bum genius 3.0's we needed and were so excited when most of the new baby gifts we got were diapers!

So now we had all the diapers we needed, and all the supplies, and yet I couldn't do it. I was nervous they'd leak, or that we wouldn't wash them right, even though we were old hats. I've slowly been using them daily. And then there was the day that I realized babyLeo hadn't pooped in a while, and started to feel nervous about the prospect of him pooping in a cloth diaper. Well, sure enough his butt exploded in the diaper, and the diaper held! The last cloth diaper hurdle? Overnights.

BabyLeo sleeps pretty well at night (of course now that I've uttered it aloud, he'll start a sleep strike) and so I was nervous that the cloth diaper would feel too damp after 12 hours, or that it would leak, or be too bulky for him to sleep comfortably. Last night, we came to a crossroads. One disposable diaper left, and one cloth diaper clean. Which to do, which to do. And we went with the cloth. You know what?! He slept his normal 12 hours, woke up dry and happy. So that's it. We're all in. And it feels pretty awesome that I'm never going to buy a disposable diaper again.

Next up: making my own baby food.

So, that was awkward.

I can't say I've much experienced the pain and longevity of dating. One of the perks of getting married young. So I'm in the clear, right? Wrong. Turns out when you have a baby, there's a whole new cast of characters to add to the show. Mom friends.

It's actually quite harder than one would imagine to make new friends. I mean really, we've been doing it since preschool. But what if you don't agree on breastfeeding, or baby wearing, or letting your baby cry, or when to feed solids, or one of the many, and I mean many, other controversial topics that come up when you become a parent. I have to say it's taken me a while to get here. Lots of blind dates. But I finally feel like I am developing a pretty good crew. And it feels really really good. Better than I thought it would. Because really when it comes to being a mom, you just need someone who understands, to tell you you're not totally insane.

After a play date with my new mommy friends that included an afternoon outside and sipping glasses of prosecco, I have to say that the pain and awkwardness of dating was definitely, and finally, worth it.

Darling Leo

3 months ago today, I was doing this:


Ever since then, Leo has been doing this:



And all the while I have been falling more and more in love with him. The pain and heartache that Chris and I went through was unbearable. But it was all healed the moment we held Leo in our arms. I've often times tried to articulate the feeling of becoming a parent, and have never been able. While trying to figure that out, I became a parent again. The feeling of loving two people as much as I do my boys, is sometimes very, very frightening. It's such a joy to watch them both grow.

Q&A with Jack

So I borrowed this from my friend Laura's blog. She did it with her 4 year old.



1. What is something mom always says to you? Don't do that (wow. what a shining moment in my parenting career)

2. What makes mom happy? when I give you hugs

3. What makes mom sad? When I hit you

4. How does your mom make you laugh? When you tell me jokes

5. What was your mom like as a child? a baby

6. How old is your mom? 10

7. How tall is your mom? This tall (as Jack raises his arm only slightly above his head)

8. What is her favorite thing to do? Play games

9. What does your mom do when you're not around? you clean

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for? a tree

11. What is your mom really good at? fixing things

12. What is your mom not very good at? you're not very good at making a chart

13. What does your mom do for her job? you go to work and play with all those babies.

14. What is your mom's favorite food? celery. (hilarious, because there's nothing I dislike more)

15. What makes you proud of your mom? that you go to school

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be? john and john from they might be giants here come the abc's

17. What do you and your mom do together? play games

18. How are you and your mom the same? we both have a drum

19. How are you and your mom different? I have silver and white and orange shoes and you have blue ones

20. How do you know your mom loves you? because you call me sweet pea.

21. What does your mom like most about your dad? that he gives you hugs.

22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go? the beach.